I wasn´t planning on getting *this* personal on the blog, but lately, I´ve been reading lots of posts, comments and articles talking about harmful relationships and people not feeling able to recover from a breakup.
It happened to me. And even though I consider that experience the worst and most challenging thing that I’ve ever been through, I learned a lot. This post is meant to share those personal lessons hoping to help someone else.
So, here it goes:
6. Explore different options to achieve recovery
Just like there is no standard time to recover from a breakup, there is no standard procedure to overcome sadness. In my personal case, psychological therapy was the only thing that helped me to totally recover and to discover the causes that made me feel so bad about myself. So, go to therapy, join a church group, talk to friends, write a book, do yoga, meditate, start a blog, read self-help books, travel… explore all the possible options that could help you return to the track of emotional wellness and take all the benefits they offer.
7. Everyone deserves explanations, but not all of us will get them
I’m going personal on this one. The guy I was in love with did not breakup with me, he just abandoned me. He didn´t say a thing, he just blocked me from every social network and never called again. I spent over a year crying every single night awake and asleep trying to figure it out why he did this and why wasn’t I worth even an explanation. It wasn’t until years later that I understood that I was worth an explanation, but that there are people who will never act mature, who will never apologize and who will always avoid facing things. Waiting for an answer is a waste of time and emotional exhausting, because not getting an answer IS ALSO AN ANSWER ITSELF. Move on.
8. It’s not love, its codependency
Love and codependency are not the same thing but people often misinterpreted them. I used to think that the guy I dated and I were one single person in two different bodies. We shared the same black humor, say the same things at the same time, had the same responses for every situation and could read our minds just by looking at each other. I forgot that he was another person and started treating him as an extension of myself. I guess that was the trigger that let him disrespect me, my boundaries and my requests, but I needed his acceptance, he was not the center of my life, but all parts of it and I used to think that it was better to give my life for him, than living without him.
That was completely unhealthy and I thought it was pure love. It was not. It was codependency and that is something you need to work on or get help.
9. Emotional/psychological violence is elusive
A toxic relationship is not just a bad relationship; it’s a form of violence as well. Unlike physical abuse, this type of violence constantly gets unnoticed since there is no visible trace of what is really going on. In fact, since there is no physical harm, cursing or yelling, both victim and aggressor don’t even know that this form of violence it’s happening in the relationship.
So, how can emotional violence be detected? You got to keep a cool head and determine if there is humiliation, criticizing, emotional abandonment, domination, etc. All of these things are often disguised as “innocent comments” and “jokes”, but truth to be told, there’s nothing remotely funny about it. Emotional abuse can undermine the way we see and think of ourselves and it is extremely important not to let it define who we are.
10. There is always a reward
I’m not the kind of person who always find the good in the bad, but this particular experience of falling into an abyss of sadness and being able to get out of there, gave me such a personal growth that I consider it a reward. By going through this I gained better knowledge of myself and I became a much stronger person than I was before. It might sound a cliché, but only who has gone to hell and return from it will understand how precious the power to overcome this kind of things really is. Very few sensations are as great as feeling that you are a survivor and that despite everything you went through, you didn’t give up and now you are fine.
Thanks to this experience, I now know what I want in a relationship and what I’m looking in a partner. But the thing that satisfies me the most from this whole experience, is knowing how capable I am of loving, caring, being present and totally surrender to someone I love.
Doing your best, going one step further and trying to be the best version of yourself every single day is the greatest gift of all. And that is something I would never change.
Hope it helps.
Thanks for stopping by.